"I gather you just want the money for yourself," says Art Guy to Gus. It's the most heated argument they've had so far in their brief partnership.
"I'm not buying that, Mr. Guy," says Gus. "The only way either of us will get any of the money is if we provide the Byzantinist with a clear description of the wall-paintings without any theoretical embellishments."
"And I'm trying to describe why Peter is being ushered from the elect into the damned."
They are no longer in a Cyprian cave, but rather in a Ryanair terminal.
"All flights to Cairo are canceled," says the loudspeaker most suddenly. "Sorry."
"Well that's great," says Gus.
"Don't lose your bronze horses, Constantinople," says Art Guy.
"If that was an art joke, go get ushered into the damned," says Gus.
---
Three days later our hero and Gus have reached a compromise about what kind of description to give to Foxy Byzwiz Irish; they wait for her in the medievalist dry bar of Cairo.
In an exchange meant for our author's clarification of plot rather than for the sake of realism, Art Guy says to Gus, "Remember what to say?"
"Yeah," says Gus.
A clamor ensues outside that consists of an automobile crash, a market stall collapse, several shouts, a couple gunshots, and a commotion by chickens.
Suddenly the swinging doors unfold as the wool burqa'd Byzantinist whose last name is suitably "Irish" enters the building.
"Sorry I'm f--ing late," she apologizes.
She sits at the bar and orders the dryest water available.
"What have you got for me?" she says.
Art Guy hands Irish a portfolio filled with the images from Gus's camera. She flips through them.
"This is the wrong site," she says.
The ensuing silence is scarring for our hero to recall even today.
"I'm joking," she says a few seconds later.
Gus laughs pallidly.
She looks through the photos and is pleased.
"Good job Gus," she says. "Thanks for refraining from using flash."
"Thanks," says Gus. He hides his index finger which he cut open on one of the stalagmites.
"Now where's my description?" she says.
"Well, we thought it was best described in person," says Art Guy.
"You don't have a written description for me?" she says. "Any internet nerd could have taken pictures of that cave with their phone."
"Hear us out," says Art Guy. "Flip to the general view of the Last Judgment."
She does. She immediately says, "Why is Peter not among the apostles, and why is he being ushered into the damned?"
"I'm glad you asked," says Art Guy.
"I was asking myself. You two can have the money, thanks for the photos."
"You don't want to hear our explanation for Peter?"
"I'd rather read it."
"It's more than a description," says Gus. Our hero winks at Gus.
"Gus, I told you to keep that part a secret."
"Sorry Mr. Guy, I forgot; 'keep the iconography to ourselves until ready to publish'."
When they turn around they realize that Irish is almost out the door and not paying attention to their vignette.
"Wait," says Art Guy. "Do you have just two minutes to hear what we found? I think you could use it."
She turns back around. "Sell it to me with two words."
"Denialist cult."
"What?"
"The cult of denialists. A specifically Cyprian cult."
She hesitates and then sits back down at the bar.
"The story of this image centers around the Cyprian cult called the denialists," says our hero. "They denied their Christianity in the face of a general inquisition. Their patron saint was Peter. Their ultimate pilgrimage was to go to the Holy See and deny that Peter is buried there. In fact they believed they had the real relics of Peter at home in Cyprus."
"What evidence do you have for the cult of denialists?" says Irish.
"What evidence don't you have?" says Gus to Irish. Irish indicates the presence of a crowbar under her burqa.
"Archivio di Stato Cyprus. Confraternita - MS 5492 fol. 74 ff has everything you need to know," says Art Guy.
Irish's gaze loosens. "Go on," she says, betraying the beginnings of a smile.
"Well to combat the secret cult, I assert that the governers of Cyprus sought to demonize the denialists by describing their relics as those of an imposter Peter. In fact, they equated him with Judas, a betrayer. They went so far, in some contemporary manuscripts, to liken denying Peter to Judas. See this folio." Our hero points to a photo of a folio that he has pulled from his back pocket. "Peter's robes and stance conform to those typical of Judas in the Betrayal. In effect, Judas was shown by the Cyprian governers as a master of disguise," says Art Guy.
Gus adds, "A maestro di dissimulare, if you will."
"I won't," says Irish. She's fully smiling now.
"So they painted this image with imposter Peter (Judas), whom they thought the Cyprian cult was actually worshipping, depicted as one of the damned." says Art Guy.
"So why does the real Peter not appear in the order of apostles?"
"Because you have to consider how the image functioned," says Gus.
"Thank you Gus," says Art Guy. "Yes. Perhaps an effigy of the real Peter was put into place among the order of apostles."
"No," says Irish.
"Look at the wear on the stalagtites in this significant blank patch of wallspace. An effigy could have been hoisted up here during one of the processions."
"And the fake Petrine body owned by the denialist cult was likely hung upside down by his genitals," says Gus.
"Yes. Thanks Gus," says Art Guy.
Irish begins to laugh. "How, pray tell, did the denialists explain the translation of Peter's body to Cyprus?" she says.
"Seahorses," says our hero.
"Okay, you've earned your quota; don't walk away from here with book offers of your own," says Irish.
Gus draws Irish's attention to a detail of the hell side of the Last Judgment. Seahorses are intermingled with body parts.
"The various body parts were carried over water by horses of the sea, according to the legend. It wasn't the seahorses who willed to carry the relics, though. The relics themselves were piloting themselves toward their desired resting place. The miracle is similar to that described for the arrival of St. Mark's remains in Venice. "
"Except for the seahorses bit," says Irish.
"So you're on the side of the Cyprian governers?" says our hero.
"In not believing that seahorses carried Peter to Cyprus?"
"Exactly. The governers believed the seahorses had carried Imposter Peter to Cyprus."
"Right. Important distinction," says Irish.
---
After several more waters and a good deal of laughter, the terrible trio have discussed the images and are all still scratching their heads over the strange treatment of Peter. Eventually they exchange the money and contact info.
"You guys are really sleuths," says Irish. "Let me know if you need more assignments from afar. I'll be in New York a good bit. A friend of mine is taking the history of print culture by storm with a show there."
"Will do. Are you ready to publish on that material?" says Art Guy.
"We'll see. For now, I'm just glad you two turned out alright," she says. "Good job avoiding my traps."
With that she exits the bar.
Art Guy and Gus look at each other.
Cyril Mango walks in a few minutes later. "I'd like some stiff water," he says across the bar. "And a new market stall if you've got any."
The bartender expresses confusion.
"Just joking, stiff water will be fine."
(written by Joe Williams.)
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